Spinning your wheels

Sometimes my brain can get so worked up over all of the discombobulated disjointed thoughts inside my head, that it feels like my mind is running at nearly a thousand miles an hour. I can get so worked up over the irritating introspections of my life , and when I need an answer to those collections of cantankerous conundrums, I fret feverishly. All the while I frantically search for meaning when my mind can not find its altruistic answers. Putting the alliteration aside, what I’m trying to say is that I often overthink things at times, and sometimes feel like I’m just running around in circles, or running at full speed, but not going anywhere.

I was explaining this the other day to my uncle, asking for advice and trying to find a way to break free from this habit. While explaining my situation, I said that I feel like I’m in my truck, and I’m giving it gas. The pedal is all the way down, and the drive tires are spinning out of control. However, instead of gaining traction, I’m just spinning my wheels and digging a rut in the gravel. I told him that I’m frustrated with my job, and the lack of follow through in regards to an office position, I explained how I want to deepen my relationship with Christ, but am having difficulty doing so. I opened up about how my depression and anxiety is getting in the way of me being content and causes more fights and issues. It actually causes more grief than the actual situation that we were arguing about. I postulated on my anger, and how it blinds me to loving others as Christ does. What can I do to solve all of these issues?

When my tires spin out of control and I am losing traction, I simply engage my differentials and the extra traction provided by the trucker equivalent to four wheel drive saves the day. I need four wheel drive for my soul. I need something that will provide extra traction and won’t have me stuck in the mire and muck of my mind any longer.

My spiritual advisor, Father George commented during my confession that I need to be practicing the Jesus Prayer everyday. Not just the Jesus Prayer, but thanksgiving to the Theotokos as well. It’s something that I already do, albeit sometimes half heartedly. The words come, but because I’m not always paying attention, the prayer comes out as just words. The connection to my heart is not always there. Truthfully, I’ve taken the prayer for granted.

My uncle told me that I already have the tools and the answers I’m looking for. What I need to be doing is slowing down and asking for mercy every day, every hour, every minute if possible. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, Have Mercy on Me a Sinner. Give my troubles to God and let him help me out.

Monday morning upon returning to work, I started the audiobook version of The Jesus Prayer by Frederica Mathewes-Green. I let her voice fill my truck as I started to really absorb the meaning and history of this special prayer. I’ve heard it before, but learning it again is never a bad thing. This wonderful prayer, and it’s connection to prayer of the heart started to work within me. The more I said it, with real meaning and focus, the more I felt connected to Christ. I have to actually focus on the words. Saying “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God” not only address the second person of the holy trinity, but it also it proclaims that Jesus Christ is the Lord, and is truly the Son of God. It also petitions the master to look upon us and hear when we follow up with “Have Mercy on Me, a Sinner.” It is humility. Admitting that one is a sinner and full of faults that can only be re-claimed through the love of Jesus Christ is truly a humbling and healing task. I have to do this on a daily basis.

I’ve found that by practicing the prayer, over and over again, I’ve started to regain an inner peace. I’m no longer as stressed and haven’t had my anger get out of control for almost a week! (Lord have Mercy) Also, with the continuation of this prayer on my lips, mind, and heart every hour of the day, I’ve become less stressed. I am no longer running in place but at a thousand miles an hour. It is his mercy and the love of the Theotokos that I feel above everything else, has allowed this much change in my wretched soul, in just one week. Now the pieces of the puzzle that is my life are falling into place a little more easier. I still can’t see 100% long term, however I know there is now a plan and a path to follow and that if I just stay calm, practice the Jesus Prayer, and attend the Church Services, I will have my questions answered. Life will work out, and I will figure out how to achieve my goals.

Lord Jesus Christ Son of God Have Mercy on Me a Sinner!

Thanks for reading my friends. I hope you all have a great week. Please stay safe and keep me in your prayers. I remain your humble and sinful blogger. Until next time,

– Orthodox Trucker

I accidentally created a rut in the gravel on Thursday, when my tires spun without traction. Creating a hole and making it hard for me to get out without changing my tactics.

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