Lately, I’ve been immersed in a whirlwind of thoughts about the priesthood. I guess its been pretty obvious from my last few posts. Ever since I went to Alaska, its been a constant presence sitting in the back of my mind. I have wanted this calling for a long time. I have wanted to attend seminary since I became Orthodox. Since before that even, all the way back to the 3rd grade. It is a calling that I have had all of my life, and it’s a calling that hasn’t gone away. It’s a calling filled with uncertainty, doubt, and conflicting emotions. My friend Steve’s recent Facebook post struck a chord, highlighting the challenge of harboring a passion and a fire for a calling that may never fully manifest. Am I harboring a fire for a passion or a calling that might not be?
Reading through the comments, I resonated with the skepticism and introspection shared by others who have grappled with their own sense of calling. The realization that our decisions are not solely dictated by divine intervention but influenced by personal desires and circumstances adds layers of complexity to the discernment process.
For me, the desire to pursue the priesthood is undeniable, yet it’s juxtaposed against the responsibilities and aspirations I hold outside of the church. Balancing family commitments, career ambitions, and the prospect of seminary feels like navigating through a maze of conflicting desires. Like many, I’m confronted with the impurity of my motives and the need for introspection. While some may be drawn to the emblems of authority and influence associated with the priesthood, my heart’s desire lies elsewhere. It’s not about robes or status; rather, I have a yearning to devote my life in service to Christ and His people. I want a life fully in the church, and I don’t know how to get it yet.
The journey of discernment is multifaceted, encompassing conflicting desires, external pressures, and the complexities of human nature. Yet, amidst the uncertainty, there’s a glimmer of hope and trust in God’s providence. I find solace in the words of Fr. Steven Belonick, urging us to make peace with our motives, imperfect as they may be, and to embark on the path of priesthood with humility and dedication.
As I reflect on these profound insights, I’m reminded of the gravity of the priestly calling and the solemn responsibility it entails. It’s a journey filled with uncertainty, doubt, and conflicting emotions, where the desire to serve Christ as a priest is juxtaposed against the realities of life outside the church, and the dangers present within.
Saint John Chrysostom once said, “The road to hell is paved with the bones of priests and monks, and the skulls of bishops are the lampposts that light the path.” Furthermore, the cautionary words of “Don’t become an Orthodox priest if you want to go to heaven” encapsulate a profound truth within Orthodox theology. They remind us of the weighty responsibility and spiritual gravity inherent in the priesthood. In the Orthodox tradition, the priesthood is not merely a role of authority or honor, but rather a calling to sacrificial service and selfless love. Priests are entrusted with the spiritual care of their flock, called to emulate Christ’s example of humility and service. This warning underscores the importance of understanding the true nature of the priesthood. It’s not a path to personal glory or salvation, but rather a commitment to lay down one’s life for the sake of others. Those who aspire to the priesthood must be willing to embrace the challenges and sacrifices that come with it, knowing that they will be held accountable for the souls entrusted to their care.
How many times have I judged myself, looking within and finding a flaw that I feel disqualifies me from this service? Or how many times have I looked at my past and simply been ashamed of that person, the same person wanting seminary? At times I feel undeserving of this desire. And I have, on more than one occasion, decided to quit the idea of pursuing seminary simply based on my own actions or faults, believing, “this isn’t how a priest would act.” And yet deep within my heart, I still want it. Perhaps I am being a fool in my continuation of chasing this dream, but I am unable to give up.
In the midst of grappling with the awareness of my past sins and the continuing desires for seminary, I’m reminded of the profound truth that Christ’s transformative love knows no bounds. Saint Nephon’s poignant reminder, “God does not judge Christians because they sinned, but because they do not repent,” underscores the importance of humility and ongoing self-examination in both our daily lives and in the discernment process. Despite my awareness of my imperfections, I find solace in the knowledge that if Christ can make a dedicated servant or even a priest out of me, the sinner that I am, then truly He can do anything.
I’ve had conversations with spiritual mentors, priests, and bishops who have all provided guidance and validation to me in the past. My few months as an official Antiochian Seminarian in 2021 gave me a taste. And my experiences in Alaska last year only rekindled my desires. These events, in turn, have continued to nudge me further towards the path of seminary despite the uncertainties and despite my own flaws. Yet, the weight of the priesthood’s spiritual responsibility looms large, a reminder of the solemn duty to shepherd a congregation and be accountable before God.
This realization fuels my eagerness to repent and devote my life to Him. To remove vices and things that distract from Him. If I love and desire the Lord’s blessings, why am I engaged in frivolous entertainment? Ifunny and Tiktok will not enhance my life. Pruning of the soul is a never-ending chore. It’s a testament to His boundless grace and the depth of His love, which empowers us to rise above our shortcomings and embrace our vocations with humility and purpose. This journey of self-awareness and spiritual growth underscores the transformative power of Christ’s forgiveness and the unwavering trust we place in His divine plan for our lives.
In the end, as I continue to navigate through doubts and uncertainties, I’m reminded of the importance of continued prayer, discernment, and trust in God’s plan. It’s a journey of wrestling with the call to priesthood, seeking clarity and direction while staying grounded in faith and humility. And amidst it all, I cling to the hope that God’s will shall prevail, guiding me towards the path He has ordained for me.
I need to not chase the idea of seminary and the priesthood. I cannot be pursuing it on my own. I need to stop and ask God to bless the path before me. I need to say, “God, lead me down this seminarian path, but only if you bless and allow it.”
Navigating the desires of this life often feels like a constant struggle. Is it imposter syndrome creeping in, or is it simply the overwhelming busyness that consumes our days? It’s a question I find myself grappling with, especially when considering my aspirations for the priesthood.
One particular challenge weighs heavily on my heart: the conflict between my desire for the priesthood and my struggle to attend church regularly. My job demands much of my time, leaving little room for Sunday services. While I make efforts to engage with the Divine Liturgy through recordings and immerse myself in spiritual practices on the road, the absence of regular church attendance raises doubts about my readiness for seminary. How can I pursue a path of priesthood when I struggle to prioritize church attendance? My excuse is that I’m only home one weekend a month, and of course, there is simply too much to get done in that short amount of time. But is it an excuse, or is it merely a reflection of my current circumstances, or does it signal a deeper hesitation within me?
Despite the challenges, I find solace in the small ways I nurture my faith journey. Icons adorn my truck, and the soothing melodies of ancient faith radio fill the air as I travel. These moments of spiritual connection offer glimpses of hope amidst the struggle.
In the end, I can only pray for clarity, seek counsel, and trust in the unfolding of God’s plan, knowing that His will surpasses my own understanding.
Thanks for reading my friends, I pray that in the coming weeks I’ll have some movement on this desire. Whether it is a yes or a no… I just want an answer. Keep me in your prayers.
– Orthodox Trucker
Orthodox Trucker 