Am I being true?

In the pursuit of our dreams and aspirations, it’s natural to question whether we’re staying true to ourselves or merely crafting an image to fit in. This dilemma is especially poignant in matters of faith and vocation, where authenticity is paramount. As I navigate my journey with Amazing Orthodox Churches, the Orthodox Trucker blog, and even my own desires for seminary, I find myself grappling with this fundamental question: am I being true?

On one hand, there’s the desire to project an image of a committed and devoted Orthodox Christian. One that is active and engaged in their faith, both online and in person. Whether curating content for my Instagram account “Amazing Orthodox Churches”, writing blog posts, or even presenting myself for seminary, there’s a pressure to show myself as a devout and invested man of faith, worthy of his Subdeacon title. But behind the polished facade, there are moments of doubt and uncertainty. Who am I? Am I the subdeacon? Or am I the trucker?

In the midst of these questions, I’m reminded of the unique challenges and realities of life as a blue-collar trucker. The harsh demands of the road, the never-ending schedules, and the rough language that permeates the trucker’s world often blur the lines between the Orthodox man and the trucker. It’s a life that can roughen a person up, making it difficult at times to reconcile the persona I present online with the gritty reality of my daily existence behind the wheel. Do my actions match my faith? When I’m the trucker, am I behaving in a way that still compliments the Subdeacon?

There are moments when the demands of maintaining these platforms feel overwhelming. There are times when I question whether I’m truly being authentic in my posts and updates, or if I’m simply going through the motions to maintain an online presence. Dealing with burnout is another challenge that I grapple with regularly. My ADHD doesn’t help in this regard. There are periods when weeks or even months go by without a new post or update. My lack of dopamine usually being the main culprit. I don’t want to chase the next hyperfocus. I want to stay committed and focused on what I say I am going to do.

Amidst the curated church posts and carefully crafted blog narratives that I write from the road, I often wonder: am I truly living out the values I espouse, or am I merely performing for an audience? It’s a question that cuts to the core of my identity as a believer and a follower of the Orthodox faith. Similarly, in my aspirations for seminary, there’s a temptation to craft an image showing myself in the best light so as to better my chances of getting in.

I’m keenly aware of the danger of falling into the trap of hypocrisy of pretending to be someone I’m not in order to gain approval or validation. In the end, I’ve come to realize that there’s value in both authenticity and aspiration. While it’s important to be true to ourselves and honest about our struggles and shortcomings, it’s also okay to aspire to greater heights, as long as we are honest and being true to ourselves.

So as I continue on my journey, both with Amazing Orthodox Churches, this Orthodox Trucker blog, and even towards possible seminary, I need to do so with a sense of humility and authenticity. I may not have all the answers, and I may stumble along the way, but I’m committed to being true to myself and to my faith, no matter where the road may lead.

Thanks for reading, my friends.

-Orthodox Trucker